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Not normal

/ 2 min read

i fucking hate my brain. I hate how it works — or let’s be honest, doesn’t — and prevents me from being able to have the simplest of interactions with others.

Tonight i was invited to play a board game with people i didn’t know and on its surface it felt straightforward and not at all worrisome. But when it came time to start understanding the game, it was explained that it required color vision, spatial understanding, and focused on one minute timers with auditory processing. In one practice round, my anxiety shot through the roof and my fight or flight responses were triggered because i couldn’t think of how to react. i felt fundamentally useless to my teammate and embarrassed that i couldn’t operate like my partner was.

So i removed myself from the situation. i walked out immediately and said i needed to go for a walk because i was feeling overloaded (not a lie, but gentility in the moment wouldn’t let me tell others the full reason for my quick disengagement) and proceeded to walk four blocks before coming back and sitting down on a couch in a house amongst people i don’t feel like can understand me while my thoughts trip me up and make me feel broken.

This sucks. Even when i’m around other ostensibly neurodivergent people, i feel like the way i shut down over arbitrary timers and worry about my vision and other disabilities makes me even more of an unknowable quantity among people who i should feel some sort of sense of community with.

i don’t know how to handle this. i don’t know what to do. Times like this are when the nihilism takes hold and won’t let go.

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1 Person liked this

  • Dave Rupert

2 Mentions

  • Alex Riviere

    Alex Riviere

    @furioursus there are games that people I play games with understand that I will help facilitate, but will not play (Taboo is the first that comes to mind, but there are others) because it very specifically is what my brain cannot do.What it comes down to is, I have no issues losing, but I have issues when my brain fucks up and makes other people lose.

  • Owen Blacker

    Owen Blacker

    @furioursus *lots of hugs*

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